I hope 2023 is going great for you so far!  The first 2.5 months of this year I focused my time and energy by balancing work and spending quality time with the important people in my life. I am grateful for the opportunity to live out my values in this way.

I want to discuss an important topic that I have been working on for awhile that is derived from my work with a specific client base of mid-senior level leaders and technical specialists, who want to prepare for and have high stakes conversations. A “high stakes” conversation is one where the outcome and/or decisions with others have a significant impact on our lives and work successes, such as better relationships, cleared up misunderstandings, and alignment to key outcomes. The ability to have a high stakes conversation is considered a life skill of effective leaders and teammates. It has been rewarding for me to help my clients develop the skills and the courage to tackle issues they have been struggling with.

The corporate environment presents many challenges where the work is complex, opinions differ, emotions run high, decisions are critical, and communication is often insufficient. This environment calls for sometimes difficult conversations that addresses issues that are personal, emotional, and maybe political. It is not a surprise that many individuals find this challenging to navigate, especially in these times when we are working remotely and the pace of change and ambiguity are unprecedented.

In conversations with my clients, some admittedly avoid high stakes conversations for fear of conflict, causing offence, creating team disengagement, or having to navigate emotional discomfort. What shows up instead is an “Avoider” saboteur who adopts habits such as downplaying a problem that keeps persisting, hoping that avoidance makes the issue go away, tolerating poor performance and behavior, saying ‘yes’ to things they shouldn’t. Or, if they have attempted a high stakes conversation, they have understated or avoided sharing their real views, leaving the issue unresolved. I recall a few situations in my corporate career where my Avoider hindered me from having effective high stakes conversations. How about you?

A survey in the workplace found that, instead of speaking up, individuals engaged in wasteful and hurtful behavior (78%), did extra or unnecessary work (66%), ruminated about the problem (53%), or expressed anger (50%).  These behaviors are costly, not only in time, and also unnecessary emotional anxiety and stress.

We can’t avoid high stakes conversations in the workplace. The real skill to develop is our ability to equally balance between authentic honesty and respect, and “clearing the air” (that refreshing feeling when we remove the elephant in the room!). Who do you know that naturally seeks out or handles difficult conversations well?  Not many, and for those that have, they have learned how.

To move from inaction into action, or improving the quality of the conversation, starts with our mindset. To gain the courage, confidence, and the will, you may ask yourself a few questions:

“What are the costs of conversations that aren’t happening?”
“Why am I avoiding tackling this situation?”
“Am I willing to accept the consequences of my avoidance?”
“What difference would it make in my life and work if I resolved that problem?”
“What do my values tell me about this situation?”

In planning the conversation, similar to other important conversations or presentations, we should have a plan and determine the ideal outcome that we wish to achieve. Here are a few talking points to include:

1. Establish and maintain an environment of safety that will foster collaboration, openness, and trust, instead of defensiveness.
   1. Share what you would like to accomplish in the conversation, and why you feel it is important, ie. a common purpose, win-win, outcomes of the work and/or relationship.
   2. What do you know about the individual(s), their experience with this situation, their communication style, etc. that may help you approach this conversation?  If this is a familiar peer, this may be like a constructive feedback conversation. If this is someone who you haven’t developed trust with, your integrity and honesty is critical.
2. Align on the problem or challenge that exists.
   1. Ensure that everyone recognizes and aligns on the core issue that needs to be resolved.
3. Share and ask for perspectives.
   1. Share how this situation impacts you or how you feel towards this problem. What is at risk if this issue isn’t resolved?
   2. Be ready to share your contribution to the problem. Trust is created by showing ownership.
   3. Use active listening and curiosity through asking questions to seek to understand the other person’s point of view.
4. Establish shared solutions and commitments to action.
   1. I like to call this “shared success” dialogue that invites all participants to contribute towards co-created solutions and outcomes.
   2. Create accountability and a communication workflow where all participants are committed to the desirable outcome.

We can’t always control the outcome of a high stakes conversation, but we can control the process. Imagine what our lives and work would be like if we could regularly create more harmony through healthy two-way conversations based on honesty, respect, and a commitment to shared success. I see possibility with that!

A reflection question: Do you have a high stakes conversation that you are avoiding?  Do you feel more ready to have it now?  If you need a bit more inspiration, let’s brainstorm this together.

Additional resources:
If you like resources, I recommend the book “Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work & Life, One Conversation at a Time” by Susan Scott. Here is a short VIDEO how Susan nicely describes how our conversations influence the value of our relationships.

If you like to use frameworks, the Fierce “Confrontation Model” offers a specific FRAMEWORK to help you prepare for your next high stakes conversation.